How many times have you listened to someone…only to jump in to finish their sentence, complete a thought, or answer their question before they were done speaking?
How often do you take information at face value and respond too quickly, without pausing to explore the deeper meaning?
And how many times have you responded, only to later realize: “I wish I had really listened”?
I can say “yes” to all of those questions, and I’m guessing I’m not alone.
The Quick-Reply Trap
Stephen R. Covey said it best:
“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand.
We listen to reply.”
That quote really hits home. The tendency to listen just to respond is a trap we have all fallen into. Some people may be more prone to it than others, but none of us is immune. Sometimes it stems from personality. Other times, we are simply impatient and feel the other person is not getting to the point quickly enough, or we are in a rush and mentally juggling a million things. It rarely has anything to do with someone wanting to be intentionally rude or dismissive. Most often, it is due to losing patience, being distracted, or being pressed for time.
Think Before You Speak
But, listening that leads to understanding takes energy, focus, attention, and intention. Responding is the easy part. Responding mindfully? That is the real challenge.
To reply mindfully and with intention, one must first understand what is actually being said. That means truly hearing the speaker, grasping the message, asking clarifying questions, and being open to unexpected insights. Listening to understand is not just speaking when it is your turn…it is about showing up fully present and engaged.
Small Shifts That Make a Big Difference
While I don’t claim to be an expert on listening to understand, I strive to understand when I listen. Sometimes, slowing the pace of an interaction, taking a breath, or relaxing yourself during a conversation can soften the tempo and create just enough space to really hear someone. Stress, anxiety, the desire to share your own perspective, and a busy schedule are all ingredients for listening to respond. When we operate from the space of listening to respond, we are more likely to interrupt, assume, and misinterpret.
However, when we take a “beat” or small pause, we are more likely to stay present and really listen. This, in turn, can prevent miscommunication before it even begins.
Real Listening Changes Everything
Truly listening to understand avoids all sorts of problems, but the main issue it averts is miscommunication. When there is a miscommunication, misunderstanding is the natural outcome. This may seem obvious, but miscommunication still happens all the time. Ultimately, it all circles back to being mindful during conversations and listening to understand rather than listening to reply. Shifting from “What will I say next?” to “What is this person really trying to say?” can transform not only your conversations, but also your relationships and the impact you leave behind.
How do you remind yourself to stay present in a conversation when you’re feeling rushed or distracted?
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